what makes 'happy'

My parents' friend, Uncle Hoeun who I have known all of my life has had liver cancer for the past three or four years. He had some complications a few days ago and has been hospitalized since. Today a few other family and friends came from Philly to visit him. One of my parents' friend has a daughter with brain damage, Phanna. I chose not to visit uncle Hoeun at the hospital, I don't know how to look into his eyes without getting emotional. In the past I have always cooked for him when he was sick, brought him little things, snacks, jerkies, etc but this time he couldn't even eat. He practically went from about 230 pounds to less than what I weight now. I can't face him.

I stayed home with Phanna. She's great. I put on some Cambodian music video and movies. She sat in front of the tv with some cream puffs that I had made earlier. She ate, watched and clapped. She was completely enjoying herself. How funny everything is. How ironic. I have been feeling so pathetic, been feeling so sorry for myself for the past year but there are people that are in worst situations that I am. It's unfortunate that I had to learn it this way. I hate to see loved ones ill. Uncle Hoeun still smiles, still makes conversations with me, still tells me how proud he is of me and I can't even face him. I'm so ashamed. I don't know how to do this. How do you learn to let go of someone. He is slipping away and we all know it. That's what I have accepted. No one says it but we all know it and I have learned to accept the inevitable even if it isn't spoken. I always expect the worst because that is what I have come to realized of life; expect the worst. Like my past 10 years. I did the best that I could even when I knew that we wouldn't last. I held on and I tried my best to make it work but sometimes there are thing you just can't control.

I gave Phanna some chicken, rice and some ginger sauce. She ate it as if it was the best she'd ever had, hands and face dirty, mumbling the songs on the tv and chewing hard. She is happy. How beautiful she is. The simplest things makes her happy. She is about 19 but she calls me "ming" meaning aunty in Khmer. She laughs and giggles tapping on my arm with her dirty chicken fingers pointing at the tv. She made me laugh and for a moment I forgot the balls in my chest, the held back tears and I laughed with her. I am thankful for her. She's sitting next to me now giggling and looking me with giggly eyes.