comfort

It is selfish to find comfort in knowing that there are people in way more worst situations than I am. I have a close friend that is going through a divorce, with children, with way more complications than I have. I think of her and I realize how fortunate I was to come out of mine with just myself, no child to pity because he/she was abandoned by his/her own father.

I forgave him but I am still angry. So much of my life was wasted for this person. In the end to hear him say that he didn't even want it to work, to hear that he actually gave up, that he didn't want to bother with making an effort. That hurt. I have always justified his selfishness, he was an only child. That's just how they are. No, that's just how he is. He is selfish.

My heart has healed. I am over what had happen but I will never forget that day. I can never forget how a person that I once loved could be so cruel. Karma exists and so does God. I have faith that I will reap what I have earned. I have always been a good person and I deserve good things.

Ten years later I am just starting to live for myself. I can't say that it has been easy but I am so content with the fact that I can do for myself. I have never had to rely on anyone. Never had my parents's help or support in anything. That was probably why it was so hard for me initially after the break up. To be reminded that I had nothing. I didn't have a net to fall back on. It felt empty. I was never close with my parents and to come back to that with the "I told you so" in their tone was hard. I never even told them, they found out through the grape vines. I didn't even want my friends to know what had happen, a majority of them have never been in a long term relationship and wouldn't even know what to say, they can't empathize with me and I don't want pity eyes all over me. Everyone cared, they were all concerned, the older people visited and offered comforting words but I hated it.

I did have my brothers. It didn't matter that they didn't have the right things to say because they made sure that they showed up, said hi and made small talks. My best friend May has been there also, she's been in my shoe. She has been there since the D day. She drags me out of the house. My first time clubbing was with her, at 28, no less. First time getting drunk was with her, at 29! I have always been a bit of a conservative, too much of a good kid. I will always be that way but now I have learned to put myself first. What about Kera?! That's why I feel I shouldn't date. It's too soon to start focusing on another person again. I am just now finding what makes me happy, at 29. No rushing this education.