All CAPS moment

I came home from work and just wanted to lay in bed. It's a sulky wet, dreary day...justified? I am not feeling lazy or un-energetic but I feel a bit forlorn. I miss having a warm body next to me when I get home. I miss having someone adore me. I miss affections. I don't miss my old life, I just wonder if I am being smart about anti-dating.

A friend said to me, "you will miss out on a great guy if you keep pushing them away...if he truly cares about you and wants to be with you then he will understand and you, both, can work it out...he will compromise with you while you get your shit together." Excuse the French. "Open up" she said "and date before it's too late...by the time you think you're ready you'll be [dating at] 35 and then what? marriage at 38 and have a baby by 40?." Jesus Christ! That got me nervous. I remember having that same nervous, scared, anxious, stomach drop feeling I use to get before exams in college, and the ones where I realize I have an assignment due the night before. That "Oh shit, oh fuck!" feeling.

I have to admit, I am scared. Of what exactly? I don't know. I am just scared of relationships but also scared of being alone. Being independent and being alone are apples and oranges. They are not the same. I just don't want to end up alone BUT I don't want to date casually just because of that. I know that I want a man that has his 'shits' together and I am no hypocrite.

I have so much to get done. So much to get back! Oh my God, I am having an existential moment!