February 19th 2001

Today would have been my 10th anniversary with Chris. I feel nothing to be honest. The last few years had been so unloving on his part that I don't miss any of it. I don't miss the person that he was, just the effort that I made and all that I did as a faithful woman. I loved and loved soo hard. That's what I miss. I miss nurturing someone. I miss taking care of someone. I miss being affectionate. I do miss being in a relationship but I would rather be lonely than be in a bad 'marriage.'

I don't even remember if we celebrated it last year. As always I'm sure that I did something to make it special. Special dinner, special something extra but I can't recall it. I am happy now and I know that he is miserable. Last I heard from him he said that he was feeling the karma. That doesn't make me happy. I am sad for him. As much as I would like to see him pay and suffer, it isn't satisfying. I don't want that. I forgave him and I just want him to be ok. That's life. I've moved on. I have forgiven the man that abruptly ended our relationship, left me stranded in Philly in the middle of Cambodian New Year. I forgive but I will never forget. It's hard to forget that you loved a cruel cruel monster. Even monsters ache sometimes. I have faith that we will all get what we deserve. Karma is a bitch and I have suffered enough.