2012

I haven't had the urge to spill my feelings since last July. This is a new blog. I figured I should start a fresh one. Life goes on right?! I have been happy. It's tough but I am strong.

I have actually made attempts to date. Epic Fail. I guess I am not ready. One guy, Byron, was pretty much a con artist and the second I really liked but maybe it was just bad timing. A Russian, very attractive, very kind. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their friends and he was such a good friend, so caring and so considerate, father goose?!

Of course I wanted it to work but in the back of my mind I was scared, scared that this may become another failed relationship. I am not afraid of failure, otherwise I would not have come this far in my life but I am afraid of getting hurt. This "P" guy, so I'll call him, and I went on two dates, back to back, it was great. I liked everything about him. You know how women always describe the type of guy that they want, ie, kind, attentive, gives you his jacket when you're cold, ask how you are and what he could do, rubbed on my arms when he thought I was cold, held me in front of his friends, wasn't afraid to show affection in public, always concerned. What a woman want...he was that, all of that. But! There's always a 'but.' Subconsciously I was hoping that we wouldn't click. I think that I have sabotage every potential relationship I've chanced on. I ignore advances, I thrown away numbers, I tell guys I'm in a relationship when I am not, even when they're completely attractive and is attracted to me. I sabotage it because I don't know if I am ready. For the first time in my life I run from love.

I spent the next weekend with P and it was fun, very comfortable. The entire time I remember thinking I can do this, this is so me but I also remember thinking , "wow he lives in Brooklyn, that's far, isn't that a long distant relationship? I can't move here, and I know that he won't move either, he has a business here, this can't work." We went to Brooklyn beach and strolled on the boardwalk as the sun was setting, had Russian food, watched UFC, and went out. I met his friends and we enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed the simpleness of it. I didn't care what we did because I really liked being with him.

But! I held back a lot, whenever I wanted to be my natural self I would hold back. I remember wanting to hug him when he was sitting or kiss his cheeks when he made my orange juice, when he did little things for me, etc, my usual attentive and affectionate self but I didn't know how. How much do you actually do in the initial stage? How affectionate should you be? How touchy feely? I had been so used to the 10 year routine with my ex that I didn't know how to be in a 'date phase.' That may have negatively influenced his later decision about us. I'm sure it was one of the factor.

When I got back home P text me, said that we were more suited as friends and we agreed to keep in touch, I doubt it. Men never keep in touch. I was disappointed, more so because I would have liked to be the one to do it but I was strangely relieved that he had decided on that. Not because I was hoping that that would happen but because I felt like this was probably for the best. I would have wanted a relationship with him but not right now, not yet. Like an early present that I wasn't ready to open. My present to him wouldn't have been as great. I don't want to be with him because I was lonely, I want to be with him because I was ready in every way. 'Him" generally speaking.

He is six years older, is probably looking for that 'one', probably looking to settle down right away and I am not ready to be anyone's 'one.' I just got out of a bad relationship. I am starting this new life from scratch and I still have so much to get back. I left the last one with absolutely nothing but me, myself, and I. I can't go into a relationship without bringing in my own fair share. He is more established than I am. It wouldn't be fair to him, I refuse to live off of a man. An equal is an equal and that's what I want in my relationship. Maybe we'll meet again in the future and maybe we won't. That's the mystery in life, you never know but you have to be honest with yourself, be true to yourself. I won't settle because I am lonely and I won't use a man as my pillar. God gave me all that I need in life to find my own standing and I have to do that before I choose to find that 'one.'

Besides that, as a women I did feel very resentful of my body. I had gained 20 pounds since last year and I did not feel like I was as attractive as I always was. I didn't feel sexy in my own skin. I have not been in my best. I use to be that girl that was hit on no matter where I was, what I was wearing or what I was doing. I had allowed the hurt of my failed 10 years to do so much damage, letting myself go. I am ready to get on with it. I want to be able to offer my best to someone. Until I have all that I want out of myself I will learn to live as a single woman. No rushing into anything. If it's worth having then it's worth waiting for. If it's worth it then it's worth it to do it right.

It's all in God's hand and everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was suppose to learn something from meeting P. Maybe he is the type of guy I should save myself for. Make sense, I like everything about his person. I want P to be happy and I want him to find the one that would sincerely love him as he should be loved because it's important to me to see the people that I care about happy. I don't want anyone to take advantage of him because I wouldn't do that myself. Good people live longer and I am that.