Miami

Ok so I am going to Miami in May. What does that mean?! Grind time! Work out extra hard and get toned, otherwise I'd look sloppy in a bikini! 20 pounds! I can do this! I have to!

Old crush

I went jogging last night, with my bro Paul, his two female friend, and my bff Rong. I loved it. I had so much fun. I need more of this.

On a different note, I became Facebook friends with a guy that I had like way back in August. Let's just call him "S". He is black. We met at Recess Lounge in Olde City and we really hit it off that night. He and his business partner were the promoter, their business was sponsoring something there that night. I was so attracted to him. Love his built; tall, dark and handsome. I love big Dieseled looking men. Well that's just the physical part. Haven't really spoken to him much. We did exchange numbers that night. We talked a bit now and then but I finally stop making contact as winter came around. He was always busy, traveling for work and such.

Anyway I had Friend Request him on Facebook a lil after we met but he just now accepted. Understandable, he is obviously never on it since the posts are so old. It gave me goosebumps. Geesh! I like the guy! Physically anyways. I texted him last night saying. "hi" and asking how he was and we agreed that we'd make time, he ask when we were going to "get together." We'll see. Maybe we'll meet up this weekend, maybe not but it's OK. I've learned not to be pushy. I make my efforts but I don't nag and I am not in desperate. I make the appropriate efforts but a man either meets me half way or it just won't work.

UGH! He's sooo my type!

Kicking my own ass

Ok so I have been jogging everyday except for tonight, it was raining. I feel great! I'm so scared to get on the scale  though. UGH I'm going clubbing with my best friend May tomorrow night and I am dreading it. I bought a few new dresses for our trip in January and half of them don't fit right now, brand new dressed! :-( This is why I need to kick my own ass.

Realistic Goal: 6-8 pounds per month, in between losing fat and gaining muscle.
ETA: 145 and toned by May

This fat'ass'ness have just cost me my April Miami trip with the girls. Won't go unless I can fit into my old body. Plus...saving money! Cha'ching!

tik tik tik

I got into a conversation last night with a male friend. We went from George Clinton to Obama and then, eventually, to my ticking clock. I told him that I don't think about it anymore. I did when I was still with Chris but it's for the best that I am not a mother, a single mother, right now. I told him the truth, my fears. I refuse to bring a child into this world until I have all that I need to support him/her, and that doesn't mean making compromises and/or living pay check to paycheck. I don't want that child to lack anything. I don't want to say, "no honey I can't get that for you today, maybe next time." I refuse to spoil a child but I want that child to have all that he/she needs at all time. I was a great mother to my two brothers. I never spoiled them. I gave them what they needed and never what they materialistically asked for. I did buy them game consoles but those were gifts, bribe for good grades, and it worked.

I know that I am a good mother, my brothers are both in college! Billy followed my footstep to my alma mada, Rutgers University. I know that if I had had more-Billy and Paul would have been in a better place than they are right now and that's my point, I did well for them but I knew that I lacked so much because I couldn't provide more. That's what I want to compensate for if/and when I have my own kid. I want to give him/her what I didn't have, what I couldn't give to Paul and Billy, and more.

Motivations x 2

I was so siked about working out that I dragged my lil brother Paul out with me to the park for another jog in the afternoon! S0 much fun. Jogged two hours and then had sushi! Happy President's Day!

Motivated

I went to bed late last night but with a goal; wake up and go jogging. So! I got up at 8:30, got dressed and dragged my mom with me. It was cold and windy but we fought it. Snotty noses and frozen finger we jogged. She is usually a power walker but I got her running up inclines. I wanted to show off to her so I pushed myself. OMG I am so out of shape! I shouldn't be since I am a runner. That's what I do.

We went food shopping afterward and are about to cook up some noodle. Good morning! Getting my sexy back, with mom!

February 19th 2001

Today would have been my 10th anniversary with Chris. I feel nothing to be honest. The last few years had been so unloving on his part that I don't miss any of it. I don't miss the person that he was, just the effort that I made and all that I did as a faithful woman. I loved and loved soo hard. That's what I miss. I miss nurturing someone. I miss taking care of someone. I miss being affectionate. I do miss being in a relationship but I would rather be lonely than be in a bad 'marriage.'

I don't even remember if we celebrated it last year. As always I'm sure that I did something to make it special. Special dinner, special something extra but I can't recall it. I am happy now and I know that he is miserable. Last I heard from him he said that he was feeling the karma. That doesn't make me happy. I am sad for him. As much as I would like to see him pay and suffer, it isn't satisfying. I don't want that. I forgave him and I just want him to be ok. That's life. I've moved on. I have forgiven the man that abruptly ended our relationship, left me stranded in Philly in the middle of Cambodian New Year. I forgive but I will never forget. It's hard to forget that you loved a cruel cruel monster. Even monsters ache sometimes. I have faith that we will all get what we deserve. Karma is a bitch and I have suffered enough.

TGIF?

Home on a Friday night. Bummer! I need to save money anyways. Every time that I do go out its a new dress, new shoe, new accessories. Not feeling too sexy right now. My older brother Renee had tickets to go see the Trenton Thunders tonight and I bailed out at the last minute. Wasn't in the mood. I feel fat. LOL

I will just work on some art.

following my feet

I came home from work and I had the urge to take a walk. It was a bit misty out. Mother Nature was mocking me, teasing me with rain and then changing her mind. I threw on my jogging capri, tank top and hoodie, my favorite Brooks and darted out with my house music blasting through my Ipod.

I pulled my hood over my head and walked, staring out in front of me at nothing. I was completely autonomous. I wasn't even conscious of my movements. I was just in auto-drive while my mind wandered. I can't even recall what was going through my head.

.

I remember watching my feet, left right - left right as if I was seeing them through a screen. I didn't feel the chill or the moisture on my face. I remember sweating and shivering but not feeling it. 

I got home, took a shower and fell asleep. I woke up an hour ago and it was a lil past 11. I completely lost tract of time and of myself today. I don't even know what time it was that I went for that walk or for how long. I have just lost a day and it somehow feels calming. I'm a bit disoriented now that I woke up in the middle of the night but I am relaxed. Relaxed because for the first time in a while I didn't think of anything. No hurt, no worries, not anxiousness about what the eff was going on with my life or my usual existential freak outs. No pitying myself, no physical self consciousness and no self doubt. I was in my 'Wooosahhh' trance.

Dreaming of him now?!

I can't sleep. I sat up in my bed and suddenly remembered a dream that I had last night. I was a some beach house condo/loft. I was visiting a family member in that house, there were a few other familiar faces that I can't recall now. Right next door was P's place. Both houses were all glass and you can see right through it. When P and I was still talking him mentioning that a cleaning lady comes to his place once a week...so in the dream there was a scandalously clad dressing French maid. LOL She was Caucasian, of course, and was walking around with a duster in her hand pretending to look busy and P was just walking around the house looking like he was thinking to himself. They made conversation, there were some laughter and then the maid walks up the large glass staircase and he laughingly follows, looking so routine like.

Strange! I remember in my dream, thinking of how handsome he looked. I love his tattoos. He was shirtless and I remember the placements of each tattoos on his body. I do understand the science of dream, you brain reorganizes memories into storage...blah blah blah...but I woke up missing him. We use to talk/text all day everyday for that short two weeks. I liked talking to him, so comfortable with him, we told one another how much we missed each other, make jokes, flirted and shared childhood stories. I made him laugh and even made him snort. We really liked one another on the phone. OMG, two weeks of knowing him and I'm missing him now. What the heck?! He was different, pleasantly different and I like that. I want to eventually meet someone just like him. Maybe I'm not missing P necessarily but rather the type of person that he is. I miss his character. Yea.

This is so unlike me. I normally don't care about or think about guys like this. I'm usually very dismissive of men in general; men that I have met since my ex. *shaking it off* Hmmm in another life...maybe, but in this one I accept what is. I want to find my own 'happy' and I pray that P will also, he is such a good person. I get this feeling, the kind that you get when you miss out on an opportunity, like you want to ask someone out but didn't and weeks or months later they are dating someone else. In Thai it's "sea'dai" and in Khmer it's "sdai" meaning 'what a waste, missed opportunity' something like that. I feel that way now about P and it's probably my fault, alot of what I did/didn't do and my appearance were factors. I can't help thinking that I could have done better. I am not beating myself up over my physical looks and attractiveness but I hate accepting that that' s what it was. I haven't been on my best. Been looking really blah and fat'ish.

P was a missed opportunity and it sucks. Ugh! Why am I thinking of him? I don't even know him. This is freaking me out! I sound like a hypocrite liking someone so fast like this. I am someone that disbelieve 'love at first sight,' I know that this isn't love but the point is -how is it that I fancy this person after only two weeks? Well I've known him for about a month now. We stop talking two weeks ago and I miss it. I miss P.

Oh la vie! You definitely are a box of chocolate.

All CAPS moment

I came home from work and just wanted to lay in bed. It's a sulky wet, dreary day...justified? I am not feeling lazy or un-energetic but I feel a bit forlorn. I miss having a warm body next to me when I get home. I miss having someone adore me. I miss affections. I don't miss my old life, I just wonder if I am being smart about anti-dating.

A friend said to me, "you will miss out on a great guy if you keep pushing them away...if he truly cares about you and wants to be with you then he will understand and you, both, can work it out...he will compromise with you while you get your shit together." Excuse the French. "Open up" she said "and date before it's too late...by the time you think you're ready you'll be [dating at] 35 and then what? marriage at 38 and have a baby by 40?." Jesus Christ! That got me nervous. I remember having that same nervous, scared, anxious, stomach drop feeling I use to get before exams in college, and the ones where I realize I have an assignment due the night before. That "Oh shit, oh fuck!" feeling.

I have to admit, I am scared. Of what exactly? I don't know. I am just scared of relationships but also scared of being alone. Being independent and being alone are apples and oranges. They are not the same. I just don't want to end up alone BUT I don't want to date casually just because of that. I know that I want a man that has his 'shits' together and I am no hypocrite.

I have so much to get done. So much to get back! Oh my God, I am having an existential moment!

Love is in the air

Not really, just commercialism and capitalism. I woke up this morning to Valentine's greeting, lots and lots of texts. As hypocritical as I am I was happy about receiving them. Who doesn't like that? I turned down two valentine's date tonight, guys I knew and have flirted with in the past but I just wasn't in the mood to do it. Blah! Just another day really. Women deserve this everyday, not just one day on the shortest month of the year.

Don't you dare, Cupid

Love is complicated. Not because it is hard but because people don't come together for it. People date for that instant gratification. Boredom and just something to do, a free dinner even. There really is no such thing as 'love at first sight.' Instant attraction, yes, not to be confused with love. Love is something that is built after months, years. After many compromises, understandings, acceptances, sacrifices, and maybe after you've wanted to strangle the person at some point. Love doesn't need to be said...it helps but it's something that is felt and not heard. There is no need to say it just so that you knows it's real...or so that the other person will know it. Just love, verb. Do it.

I do feel lonely sometimes but it's not a reason to be with someone. I will only choose to be with someone when I am ready. That's something that I have to keep reminding myself because it's a human need, naturally. The need for human companionship. Food, shelter and companionship. Would sex be a part of that? Ek! I can without! LOL

Phatty

Ok so I weigh myself. 164. Holy salmon! I was 143 last July when I was in Miami. Lets see what weight I will be next weekend. I am back to jogging again. Skipping the gym since it's pointless. I have muscle definition underneath the fat that I had gained so I will just have to focus on my cardio and get back to eating healthy. I was never a skinny chick, was always thick but it's gotten a bit out of hand. I had been so busy feeling pitiful that I forgot to take care of myself.

Sticking my Miami bikini pics on my wallpaper as my motivation! Corny but it'll work.

comfort

It is selfish to find comfort in knowing that there are people in way more worst situations than I am. I have a close friend that is going through a divorce, with children, with way more complications than I have. I think of her and I realize how fortunate I was to come out of mine with just myself, no child to pity because he/she was abandoned by his/her own father.

I forgave him but I am still angry. So much of my life was wasted for this person. In the end to hear him say that he didn't even want it to work, to hear that he actually gave up, that he didn't want to bother with making an effort. That hurt. I have always justified his selfishness, he was an only child. That's just how they are. No, that's just how he is. He is selfish.

My heart has healed. I am over what had happen but I will never forget that day. I can never forget how a person that I once loved could be so cruel. Karma exists and so does God. I have faith that I will reap what I have earned. I have always been a good person and I deserve good things.

Ten years later I am just starting to live for myself. I can't say that it has been easy but I am so content with the fact that I can do for myself. I have never had to rely on anyone. Never had my parents's help or support in anything. That was probably why it was so hard for me initially after the break up. To be reminded that I had nothing. I didn't have a net to fall back on. It felt empty. I was never close with my parents and to come back to that with the "I told you so" in their tone was hard. I never even told them, they found out through the grape vines. I didn't even want my friends to know what had happen, a majority of them have never been in a long term relationship and wouldn't even know what to say, they can't empathize with me and I don't want pity eyes all over me. Everyone cared, they were all concerned, the older people visited and offered comforting words but I hated it.

I did have my brothers. It didn't matter that they didn't have the right things to say because they made sure that they showed up, said hi and made small talks. My best friend May has been there also, she's been in my shoe. She has been there since the D day. She drags me out of the house. My first time clubbing was with her, at 28, no less. First time getting drunk was with her, at 29! I have always been a bit of a conservative, too much of a good kid. I will always be that way but now I have learned to put myself first. What about Kera?! That's why I feel I shouldn't date. It's too soon to start focusing on another person again. I am just now finding what makes me happy, at 29. No rushing this education.

what makes 'happy'

My parents' friend, Uncle Hoeun who I have known all of my life has had liver cancer for the past three or four years. He had some complications a few days ago and has been hospitalized since. Today a few other family and friends came from Philly to visit him. One of my parents' friend has a daughter with brain damage, Phanna. I chose not to visit uncle Hoeun at the hospital, I don't know how to look into his eyes without getting emotional. In the past I have always cooked for him when he was sick, brought him little things, snacks, jerkies, etc but this time he couldn't even eat. He practically went from about 230 pounds to less than what I weight now. I can't face him.

I stayed home with Phanna. She's great. I put on some Cambodian music video and movies. She sat in front of the tv with some cream puffs that I had made earlier. She ate, watched and clapped. She was completely enjoying herself. How funny everything is. How ironic. I have been feeling so pathetic, been feeling so sorry for myself for the past year but there are people that are in worst situations that I am. It's unfortunate that I had to learn it this way. I hate to see loved ones ill. Uncle Hoeun still smiles, still makes conversations with me, still tells me how proud he is of me and I can't even face him. I'm so ashamed. I don't know how to do this. How do you learn to let go of someone. He is slipping away and we all know it. That's what I have accepted. No one says it but we all know it and I have learned to accept the inevitable even if it isn't spoken. I always expect the worst because that is what I have come to realized of life; expect the worst. Like my past 10 years. I did the best that I could even when I knew that we wouldn't last. I held on and I tried my best to make it work but sometimes there are thing you just can't control.

I gave Phanna some chicken, rice and some ginger sauce. She ate it as if it was the best she'd ever had, hands and face dirty, mumbling the songs on the tv and chewing hard. She is happy. How beautiful she is. The simplest things makes her happy. She is about 19 but she calls me "ming" meaning aunty in Khmer. She laughs and giggles tapping on my arm with her dirty chicken fingers pointing at the tv. She made me laugh and for a moment I forgot the balls in my chest, the held back tears and I laughed with her. I am thankful for her. She's sitting next to me now giggling and looking me with giggly eyes.

a blurred past

About ten years of my life was spent making someone else happy. I think that that's one flaw all woman have. We sacrifice for the ones we love and our own self comes last, if at all. I had sacrifice my own happiness to make him happy. Sacrifice friends to make time for him alone. Relocated to be with him. I was the 'good wife' in every way and I was punished for that.

Maybe he and I met too young. We were 18/19. What did we know? We haven't lived yet. He always broke my heart but I always took him back because he said that I was the best person for him but he was probably the worst man for me. Poison. In the end he broke my heart the worst of all the years. That was my last straw. He now says he'll wait but enough is enough. I am no longer interested. I am healing and I am happy being in love with myself.

I call it 'nightmares' when I'd have reoccurring dreams of the break up. The emotions of that day was there. I'd wake up crusted eyed. I don't think of it in my waking hours but why do I dream about it?

The last time we spoke he apologized, again, for what he did. He said that he was paying for all the bad karma he had cause in hurting me all those years. He is miserable now, hates his job and is looking for another and to move again. I, somehow, feel bad because I don't wish pain on anyone. It was what it was and I don't want to see anyone miserable. Even though he deserves it I still want him to be happy.

2012

I haven't had the urge to spill my feelings since last July. This is a new blog. I figured I should start a fresh one. Life goes on right?! I have been happy. It's tough but I am strong.

I have actually made attempts to date. Epic Fail. I guess I am not ready. One guy, Byron, was pretty much a con artist and the second I really liked but maybe it was just bad timing. A Russian, very attractive, very kind. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their friends and he was such a good friend, so caring and so considerate, father goose?!

Of course I wanted it to work but in the back of my mind I was scared, scared that this may become another failed relationship. I am not afraid of failure, otherwise I would not have come this far in my life but I am afraid of getting hurt. This "P" guy, so I'll call him, and I went on two dates, back to back, it was great. I liked everything about him. You know how women always describe the type of guy that they want, ie, kind, attentive, gives you his jacket when you're cold, ask how you are and what he could do, rubbed on my arms when he thought I was cold, held me in front of his friends, wasn't afraid to show affection in public, always concerned. What a woman want...he was that, all of that. But! There's always a 'but.' Subconsciously I was hoping that we wouldn't click. I think that I have sabotage every potential relationship I've chanced on. I ignore advances, I thrown away numbers, I tell guys I'm in a relationship when I am not, even when they're completely attractive and is attracted to me. I sabotage it because I don't know if I am ready. For the first time in my life I run from love.

I spent the next weekend with P and it was fun, very comfortable. The entire time I remember thinking I can do this, this is so me but I also remember thinking , "wow he lives in Brooklyn, that's far, isn't that a long distant relationship? I can't move here, and I know that he won't move either, he has a business here, this can't work." We went to Brooklyn beach and strolled on the boardwalk as the sun was setting, had Russian food, watched UFC, and went out. I met his friends and we enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed the simpleness of it. I didn't care what we did because I really liked being with him.

But! I held back a lot, whenever I wanted to be my natural self I would hold back. I remember wanting to hug him when he was sitting or kiss his cheeks when he made my orange juice, when he did little things for me, etc, my usual attentive and affectionate self but I didn't know how. How much do you actually do in the initial stage? How affectionate should you be? How touchy feely? I had been so used to the 10 year routine with my ex that I didn't know how to be in a 'date phase.' That may have negatively influenced his later decision about us. I'm sure it was one of the factor.

When I got back home P text me, said that we were more suited as friends and we agreed to keep in touch, I doubt it. Men never keep in touch. I was disappointed, more so because I would have liked to be the one to do it but I was strangely relieved that he had decided on that. Not because I was hoping that that would happen but because I felt like this was probably for the best. I would have wanted a relationship with him but not right now, not yet. Like an early present that I wasn't ready to open. My present to him wouldn't have been as great. I don't want to be with him because I was lonely, I want to be with him because I was ready in every way. 'Him" generally speaking.

He is six years older, is probably looking for that 'one', probably looking to settle down right away and I am not ready to be anyone's 'one.' I just got out of a bad relationship. I am starting this new life from scratch and I still have so much to get back. I left the last one with absolutely nothing but me, myself, and I. I can't go into a relationship without bringing in my own fair share. He is more established than I am. It wouldn't be fair to him, I refuse to live off of a man. An equal is an equal and that's what I want in my relationship. Maybe we'll meet again in the future and maybe we won't. That's the mystery in life, you never know but you have to be honest with yourself, be true to yourself. I won't settle because I am lonely and I won't use a man as my pillar. God gave me all that I need in life to find my own standing and I have to do that before I choose to find that 'one.'

Besides that, as a women I did feel very resentful of my body. I had gained 20 pounds since last year and I did not feel like I was as attractive as I always was. I didn't feel sexy in my own skin. I have not been in my best. I use to be that girl that was hit on no matter where I was, what I was wearing or what I was doing. I had allowed the hurt of my failed 10 years to do so much damage, letting myself go. I am ready to get on with it. I want to be able to offer my best to someone. Until I have all that I want out of myself I will learn to live as a single woman. No rushing into anything. If it's worth having then it's worth waiting for. If it's worth it then it's worth it to do it right.

It's all in God's hand and everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was suppose to learn something from meeting P. Maybe he is the type of guy I should save myself for. Make sense, I like everything about his person. I want P to be happy and I want him to find the one that would sincerely love him as he should be loved because it's important to me to see the people that I care about happy. I don't want anyone to take advantage of him because I wouldn't do that myself. Good people live longer and I am that.