Happy

This past Sunday was the anniversary of the day Chris broke my heart. I feel fine. I can definitely say that I am over him. I am still hurt by how things happened and they way that he treated me but I don't miss him at all. I went on a date, I guess it's a date, a spontaneous one, with a man from work, someone in a higher position. He is older. He has a 19 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. Yes, older.

It was great, I was in South Philly for my new year celebration and he came to pick me up. I was running late because I couldn't find a blow dryer for my hair so he had to wait for me while I got ready. Finally, about 25 minutes later into his waiting, I walked to where he said that he was waiting, about a block from my aunt's house. He was parked in front of the Buddhist temple where he said that he had made conversations with the locals and asked questions. Everyone turned their heads and stared at me when I got over to him. We chattered for a minute to cut the nervousness that I was feeling. All eyes glues on us. He walked me over to the passenger side and opened the door for me to his white Corvette, an older model. I don't know car but I know that it was an eye candy, and very expensive.

People continued to watch as we drove off. Each time that the car slowed down enough a compliment about it would come from various corners of the streets. I was blushing from the attention. I'm usually modest but this time it was hard to look modest when I am in such a car.

We went to The Philadelphia Art Museum, walked around, talked for about an hour. Then to eat, I told him that we'll go into the next Asian place that we see and it was a Pei Wei. We then drove through the Manayunk section of Philly that I have never been to before and walked around at the park by the water. It was nice. There were so many people out doing the same; dates, jogging, etc.

He dropped me off back at my aunt's house in South Philly around midnight. I kissed him twice and wished him goodnight.

Another repeated nighmare

I had my reoccurring dream again. My D-day repeating itself. In it I remember going to the attic, Chris and I's old bedroom to pick up my thing. I remember packing my cloth into trash bags, not far from the reality of it because that's what it was. 9.5 years of my life packed up and throw at my feet. In it he had threw old framed photos of us into my bag and I ask him why he didn't just throw them out.

I dragged my things down two flight of stair and remember his mother cleaning, as she always does, and not saying a word to me. Chris is, after all, her only child, an extremely spoiled one. She just kept on with her cleaning as I drag my things out to my car.

I woke up angry again. Hit the snooze and dozed back on. The dream continued where I left off so I decided to get up at the next snooze. Every time I think that I am over what had happen I dream of it and I am reminded all over again. I am over my ex but I will never forgive him for what he did to me throughout the entire relationship and especially in the end. He hurt me the worst in the end. Nothing compares to the pain , the humiliation that I had to endure. The shame that I came home to face my parents with. I will never forgive him. No matter how many times I tell people that I do, deep inside I haven't forgiven him yet.

I don't want to see him suffer. That won't make anything better, it'll just be two unhappy people. I just want him to feel what he did to me. Overall I just want to be happy. I want my life to be better, to get better than he had offered. He destroyed me in every way but I am responsible for my own happiness now so I have no choice but to become better. Karma is a bitch and it always goes around and God has to be more just than this. God cannot punish me like this forever.

:-)

Feeling good about myself.

I am dating again. Talking to multiple guys. Just talking. LOL Well one date a week is plenty, if any at all, and I am happy that I am doing that. My girlfriends have all gone though what I am going through and they want me to date and find my preference.

I think that I am starting to develop a preference in men or at least understanding them and seeing through bullshitter. You live and you learn. Have to go through some bad to get to the good. I am learning how to put me first. Learning how to get my ways, not selfishly, just not being completely selfless like I was with my ex.  I come first and if I don't want to then it's a "no."