Saying "Goodbye"

A lot has happened since my last entry. I went to the hospital to see uncle Hoeun. When I got there there was a room full of friends and family in the waiting room. There were only crying eyes. I hugged my aunt, Korn, uncle Hoeun's wife. She cried on my shoulder. "He's gone" she said "he has left us."

She had been crying since the moment she got to the hospital earlier in the day. I walked into the hallways adjacent to uncle Hoeun's ICU. I couldn't go down the hallway to him. I just couldn't. Then uncle Hoeun's older son came. He cried so hard. Cried rom guilt and the pain of it all. It made me tear up soo much harder. I cried harder and harder. I didn't know how to console him. I just watched him hug his mother tightly. Apologetic hug.

An hour past and it was about 7 p.m. My brother Paul insisted that I go see the body. I walked slowly down the hallway of the ICU and then into uncle Hoeun's room. His daughter Maree, sons Stephen and Andrew were looking over the peaceful body of the'e sleeping father crying. Stephen was the third child, he kept his composure as he rubbed his youngest brother, Andre's back. Maree cried quietly.

I walked further into the room. My eyes traveled from the top of the bed, over the silhouette of my uncle's foot, his knee, his still chest and then I saw his face. He was peacefully sleeping. I began to choke into a heavy cry. Tears literally poured out of my eyes. I never knew that I could cry so much tears.

Uncle Hoeun's Sal walked back into the room. He touched his father's foot, hands and forehead. I didn't know what to say. Even if I did it wouldn't have matter. It wouldn't have made a difference. They needed to just cry and be in the same space with their father.

We had to leave at 7:30 because the hospital needed to prepare the body. They said that "the body will start to decompose." How could someone so lively and so wonderful now be called a "decompos[ing]" body. That was hard to hear. I have never had anyone so close to me past before. I didn't grow up with my late grandparents so I have never felt this sense of lost before. I have known him all of my life. He has always been a big part of it. Always being the Jack of all trade for us, for everyone. He was one of the few people that told me they were proud of me. He said that I made my parents proud, hat he wanted his kids to be more like me. He always said he wanted his daughter to follow the way that I am. That always made me feel special.

His funeral was on Saturday. Everyone that could did come to the viewing. We all got in live to see him, to lay flowers in his casket. My heart pounded as I got closer and closer and then his face was in front of me. I didn't realize that I was crying until those faucets in my face face turned on automatically. I could barely see because I was crying so hard.

As the monks chanted I cried and cried. I could hear myself chocking but I didn't care.

We said goodbye to him. He is survived by his wife, this three sons, a daughter and two grandson. Great people are taken from us so fast. He was one of those.

There's going to be a 7th day funeral for him this Saturday and a 100th day. Buddhist tradition. 7th to tell him that he has past on and give him 100 day to accept. On the 100th day there will be a last ceremony to send him off, to heaven, nirvana.