1.5 months until Miami

I have been jogging but have not seen any changes on the scale. I am resorting to Zantrex 3! Lets see how much I will lose until then. I am only going to use it up until Miami.

Artistically challanged

I drew today on my lunch. Why is that exciting?! Because I use to draw all the time and I just happen to be in an artistic mood today at work. I was flipping through Georgia O'Keeffe book and had an urge to draw an abstract self portrait.

My ex?

Ok this is strange. I had a dream and my ex was in it. I dream that we had gotten back together and I was pregnant. We were at my doctor's appointed for an ultrasound to find out the baby's sex. I remember being happy and we were so relieved that we had gotten back together....that's all that I can recall! LOL AS IF! I am not going back with him. Poison!

P in my dream!

I dream of P again the other night. I remember that I drove all the way to Brooklyn where he lived. I parked the car a few doors from his restaurant. I walked to and from other shops passing by his restaurant purposely just to get a glimpse of his face, watching him work.

I remember when I visited him back in February I sat in the office of his restaurant while he worked a few hours, filling in for his absent employee. I would glance over at the security footage randomly just to see him working. Those were the images that played out in my dream. He was handsome. Tall and muscular like I love, his handsome smile. Ohhhhh wow I just realized that I am describing someone that I am not even talking to in such a loving manner...as if I was dating him. Haha. SMH

I wasn't even thinking of him. Been busy and to have dream of him the day after m uncle's funeral was strange. If anything I would have expected a sad dream.

Saying "Goodbye"

A lot has happened since my last entry. I went to the hospital to see uncle Hoeun. When I got there there was a room full of friends and family in the waiting room. There were only crying eyes. I hugged my aunt, Korn, uncle Hoeun's wife. She cried on my shoulder. "He's gone" she said "he has left us."

She had been crying since the moment she got to the hospital earlier in the day. I walked into the hallways adjacent to uncle Hoeun's ICU. I couldn't go down the hallway to him. I just couldn't. Then uncle Hoeun's older son came. He cried so hard. Cried rom guilt and the pain of it all. It made me tear up soo much harder. I cried harder and harder. I didn't know how to console him. I just watched him hug his mother tightly. Apologetic hug.

An hour past and it was about 7 p.m. My brother Paul insisted that I go see the body. I walked slowly down the hallway of the ICU and then into uncle Hoeun's room. His daughter Maree, sons Stephen and Andrew were looking over the peaceful body of the'e sleeping father crying. Stephen was the third child, he kept his composure as he rubbed his youngest brother, Andre's back. Maree cried quietly.

I walked further into the room. My eyes traveled from the top of the bed, over the silhouette of my uncle's foot, his knee, his still chest and then I saw his face. He was peacefully sleeping. I began to choke into a heavy cry. Tears literally poured out of my eyes. I never knew that I could cry so much tears.

Uncle Hoeun's Sal walked back into the room. He touched his father's foot, hands and forehead. I didn't know what to say. Even if I did it wouldn't have matter. It wouldn't have made a difference. They needed to just cry and be in the same space with their father.

We had to leave at 7:30 because the hospital needed to prepare the body. They said that "the body will start to decompose." How could someone so lively and so wonderful now be called a "decompos[ing]" body. That was hard to hear. I have never had anyone so close to me past before. I didn't grow up with my late grandparents so I have never felt this sense of lost before. I have known him all of my life. He has always been a big part of it. Always being the Jack of all trade for us, for everyone. He was one of the few people that told me they were proud of me. He said that I made my parents proud, hat he wanted his kids to be more like me. He always said he wanted his daughter to follow the way that I am. That always made me feel special.

His funeral was on Saturday. Everyone that could did come to the viewing. We all got in live to see him, to lay flowers in his casket. My heart pounded as I got closer and closer and then his face was in front of me. I didn't realize that I was crying until those faucets in my face face turned on automatically. I could barely see because I was crying so hard.

As the monks chanted I cried and cried. I could hear myself chocking but I didn't care.

We said goodbye to him. He is survived by his wife, this three sons, a daughter and two grandson. Great people are taken from us so fast. He was one of those.

There's going to be a 7th day funeral for him this Saturday and a 100th day. Buddhist tradition. 7th to tell him that he has past on and give him 100 day to accept. On the 100th day there will be a last ceremony to send him off, to heaven, nirvana.

The passing

I came home to a new I was expecting, just didn't think I would receive it so soon. My parent's friend Uncle Hoeun passed away about an hour ago. Now is when regrets kicks in. In my previous post I mentioned how I couldn't face him being sick in the hospital...too late now. I feel like an ass. So selfish. I can't believe it. I'm still in shock.